One more day of waking to the smell of roasted coffee with the first rays of sunlight filtering through the window. I open my eyes, fold one arm behind my head with a deep sigh. Deb lives like the grandfather clock that chimes three times a day; ding-dong-ding. She rises from by my side and into her bright yellow robe to immediately begin breakfast and prepare the kids for school. I lay there in bed listening to the day as it begins without my involvement, without my consent.
I hear Horace calling down to Deb and I know he’s missing something; his favorite shoes, the string of seashells I made for his eighth birthday, or something else that has been lost in the ruination that used to be his room. Chattering passes by my bedroom door. I have always said goodnight to my daughter Ava the same way I say my good mornings, in between her dialogue as she speaks through the phone that is permanently bound to her left ear. I will never understand what there is to discuss first thing in the morning before the day has even begun.
I finally pull myself out of bed and begin my role in this family, the husband, father, and overall dependable guy that everyone can count on. I have worn these shoes for sixteen years without much change. Walking down the stairs to sit at the head of the table, reaching down for my briefcase as I kiss the wife goodbye. Watching our kids as they run towards the school bus. Sitting at my desk trying to meet the boss’s deadline. Just another hour, another day, another year. It’s time for a change before I begin to peel like the paint on my car that slowly reveals the rust beneath. I make this decision as I sit at the intersection. If I turn right, I end up back home awaiting the same tomorrow I have seen for over a decade. If I turn left…I am free. Tomorrow will finally be something new and unexpected. I turn left.
I sit at a bar looking down into the bottom of a whiskey bottle as guilt bubbles up from the bottom of my stomach. I contemplate the idea of going back. Telling Deb I was late meeting a new client or working towards another promotion. Tell her I was an ideal Samaritan who stopped to help some hapless person who met some unfortunate accident. Tomorrow I will wake up to smell freshly brewed coffee, my daughter giggling to her girlfriends over the phone, and Horace throwing his clothes into some cluttered corner of his bedroom as he waits for Deb to scavenge for his lost treasures.
I lifted my whiskey to my lips and forced down another swallow to calm my nerves and silence the rumbling of my stomach. I closed my eyes and tried to silence the voice inside my head telling me I was selfish and evil, a bum who chose to neglect his family.
“Is this seat taken?” I look up into a beautiful pair of hazel eyes unlike the dark mysterious brown eyes I had deciphered years ago. An angel stood beside my table with a smile that offered me a second chance to be happy. She symbolized everything I left my home and family in search of, the timeless hunger for freedom and excitement that beats within every heart.
“No. Not at all. Can I buy you a drink?” Just like that, a decision is made and tomorrow will be something new. We begin to talk and she tells me all about herself. Her name is Katherine and she is full of life, excitement, joy, and she’s ten years younger than I am. She’s on her way to a small town in Kentucky to reunite with family: her parents and some siblings. I don’t understand what she sees in a man my age, but we click. She feels like the link that has been missing for years. I can see myself with her many years to come. I buy her another drink as we talk late into the evening and we impetuously decide to travel together.
Barely a year passes before I lean over a candle lit dinner and tell her how much I love her. I tell Katherine how she has renewed my enjoyment of life and made my days so much better than they have been in a long time.
I move the candles to one side of the table and grasp her small soft hand with long delicate fingers. “Will you marry me?” Hazel eyes shimmer before me and overflow with tears of joy. I stare bravely into her eyes trying not to let her hear the pounding of my heart or the rhythmic jumping of my knee. I don’t take another breath until a breathy ‘yes’ passes through her lips. I was a lucky man and I knew it, to be able to discover a love this strong twice in one lifetime. I slipped my hand in my pocket and came around the table to slip the diamond ring on her finger.
We have a small wedding in a chapel of just her family and a few of our friends. I take her on a honeymoon filled with all the places I had always wanted to go with Deb but never did, because Deb had died a long time ago, at least that is what I told Katherine when she asks about my past. It’s not a lie, Deb had died the moment we had children and life became a steady loop in time where nothing ever changes. We had grown so far apart until we stopped trying to make each other happy and began to live solely for our children. I just needed a little happiness back into my life, something to make me feel glad I was still alive. There was no justifiable reason to feel as if death was shadowing my every step. Katherine brings a jolt of electricity that makes my days begin and end on a powerful note. Deb and my children would be fine without me. She had always been a strong and beautiful woman. We had merely grown apart over the years.
Four months later my Katherine tells me she is pregnant. Ida comes into our lives with a loud piercing wail for being pulled from her comfortable existence surrounded by the sounds of water and the soft thumps of a heartbeat. We show her the marvels of life and I get relive all the innocent first times I had shared with Ava. Her first words. Her first steps. Her first trip to Walt Disney World and Water World. Life never slowed down because of her birth. Life was great. Life was great until Morris was born two years later and Katherine and I had shared all of his firsts…and then we fell into a routine.
I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. The soft sounds of siblings bickering filtered into the bedroom. The sweet aroma of pancakes and dark coffee snaked its way down the hall and under the bedroom door. I waited for the imminent thump of something breaking and Katherine’s yell reverberating off the walls to warn Ava and Morris of a promised retribution if they didn’t stop their fighting. I gave a deep sigh.
I slowly made my way out of bed to help with the kids and ship them off to the nearest school for six hours of relative peace. I gave Katherine a kiss goodbye as we went our separate ways for our eight hours of monotony dedicated to a quarter monthly check. On the way home, I found myself in a different state at another intersection longing for something new. I could turn right and go back to Katherine, Morris, and Ida. I could turn left and return to Deb, Ava, and Horace and find some way to repent for my sins without admitting to them, or I could go straight and use the time I had left in life to try one more time for a life I could treasure and hold on to.
I couldn’t keep running just to leave behind a trail full of broken hearts that may never mend. I needed to stay and take responsibility for my children and my wife, make a choice and stick to it. But there was no joy in taking that path, I would simply be an unhappy martyr and my family would know it. At least if I leave, they can remember the good times without ever knowing they were not enough to keep me happy. I drove straight ahead towards one last chance at happiness.
A truck carrying a trailer full of donkeys rammed into one side of my car. I skidded around in a circle. I watched as my life swirled around me and I gripped and yanked the steering wheel. Instead of straightening the car, my efforts resulted in the car flipping over. I could taste blood as it seeped from my bleeding nose and between my lips. My surroundings blurred before me. All sound dwindled down to muted noise I could no longer make sense of. My head felt as if it would burst. My blurry vision turned into pure blackness with the loss of consciousness.
My head was throbbing with pain, even my eyes were sore. Remarkably, that was the only pain. My thoughts rolled around one another until they began to make sense and I could remember the wreck. Driving towards freedom and the impact that sent my car into a tailspin. I could remember the car flipping over when I jerked the wheel to stop the spinning of the car. It was a horrible wreck. I was fortunate my only injury appeared to be a concussion. Where am I, at the hospital?
I opened my eyes to the sharp jabbing pain of bright lights. My vision slowly began to clear. I wasn’t in a hospital. I was someplace familiar, someplace I knew I was supposed to remember.
“Devlin?” I heard the pained whisper of my name. I turned my head towards the voice…or at least I tried. My head refused to obey my brain and all I could see was the ceiling.
“Honey, can you hear me?” Katherine came overhead and into my line of vision. “You’re awake. Oh my God, you’re finally awake. They said you would never open your eyes again but I knew they were wrong. I knew you would never leave me.” Katherine placed the palms of her hands to either side of my face and one large teardrop fell to my cheek. She kissed my lips that felt moist with the scent of Ida’s cherry flavored chapstick.
“I can’t move.” I spoke to myself as panic began to overflow my senses. The sound of my voice came out as a dry croak that scorched a trail of fire down my throat. I tried to lift my hand to sooth my pain. I couldn’t so much as twitch a single finger. “Why can’t I move?” My body refused to obey any of the messages from my brain.
“You were in a wreck, Devlin. You’re paralyzed from the neck down. I’m sorry honey, but the doctors say you will never walk again.” More tears fell from her hazel eyes for every word she felt obligated to say. I silently stared up at her as tears of my own flowed from my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks to land on the pillow below my head. Paralyzed. I can’t believe this. I’m paralyzed.
“Don’t cry honey. We’ll take care of you. We’ll be by your side forever. I will always be there for you. I promised to love you in sickness and in health; we will never be apart. I missed you so much.” Katherine made cooing noises meant to ease my suffering while she placed kissed over my face and lips.
Tears streamed from my eyes, but I could not lift my hands to wipe them away. I couldn’t do anything.
